Saturday, August 7, 2010

Thank you for the reminder...

Everything between us maybe unclear or maybe I already know the answer, no matter what, thank you for the reminder.

Over the past couple of years since the break up, I've been numb, I've been stagnant in growth, and I've been in denial. I was able to hide the little self esteem behind that overly self confident smile but even my eyes you could see that I was lying. How I fooled anyone that I was okay, I don't know and for my many close friends who could call out my bullsh*t neglected to say anything out loud. And so, I remained in the hopelessness that time will finally bring me back to who I remembered to be. The person I let myself grow into and the comfortability of me.

Yet it was until I let the over analytical mind over play the feelings I have or the fulfillment inside that I couldn't find myself. For the past winter, I've been filling my void with many hook ups that I'd hope would turn into something real when in reality, it was just what it was, bad sex, maybe a couple of moans but nothing worth the curl of my toes and loud scream for...sorry. But the fact of the matter was, there was an underlying meaning behind our "hang out." It was what I saw on you that I once wore because it was a part of me. Granted, I wear bracelets from when I went to Nicaragua but it wasn't that necklace I stopped wearing because the elastic was becoming too loose and it was the ankle bracelet that I stopped wearing because the hemp strings deteriorated because I never took it off. It was then that things clicked.

Everything about my ex would slightly affect me in someway, even if I kept lying myself, it was always a small jab to the heart. But now, its no longer a stab, a jab, or even a heart is back on my sleeve, guarded like it once was but ready for the next adventure even if its not love.

Because lets admit, I'm no longer looking for sex to fill the void, I want something substantial where love is all we make but until then, a little fun doesn't hurt either now that I can let go.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

My Heart, My Mind, My Libido....

Attraction is a confusing thing. History makes it complicated and trying to make sense of it all in bed at that moment only brings anxious feelings.

Time has passed since we first met our first year. I still remember our first kiss and our first "date," which was the start of what I would describe a perfect date to be. This has left an impression, a mark on me that has brought this confusion to me now.

Since our first year, I only saw you once last year. A brief moment where I held my breath to see that you had come back to Alaska. I was always hopeful that I would see you when you stayed over but not once did we meet.

Another season and here we are again, in Alaska, working through another summer. A lot has happened over the years when we first met. There seems to be hesitation in our interaction, maybe afraid to get hurt because our past has memories of tears but nonetheless, we have had the opportunity to have hung out.

I enjoyed the time spent and even though my overly analytical mind has many questions: why, what is it you see in me, what you think or what you want, or how you feel, I must let things flow.

The only thing I do know is that my my mind knows what my heart feels even though my heart is very much guarded, which tells my mind to control my libido unsuccessfully, and I do mean shamefully. Yet, if things are meant to be, it will be and what you say of us hanging out again....I can only hope that we do and the look in your eyes I saw that night, the feeling of you in my arms, and the passion from those many kisses happens again.