Time to change that frown upside down

So....here's my blog...a blog of where I would post my inner thoughts outward that would help clarify my mind and release anything I may need to say poetically or un-poetically. Mostly its been....a bunch of sad realizations that honestly, its time for a change. Time to take those inner feeling that are deep down realizations and just write more freely in a happy daily sense of what I'm expressing. Good luck to that, right? Eh, we'll see how things go...

Thank you for the reminder...

Everything between us maybe unclear or maybe I already know the answer, no matter what, thank you for the reminder.

Over the past couple of years since the break up, I've been numb, I've been stagnant in growth, and I've been in denial. I was able to hide the little self esteem behind that overly self confident smile but even my eyes you could see that I was lying. How I fooled anyone that I was okay, I don't know and for my many close friends who could call out my bullsh*t neglected to say anything out loud. And so, I remained in the hopelessness that time will finally bring me back to who I remembered to be. The person I let myself grow into and the comfortability of me.

Yet it was until I let the over analytical mind over play the feelings I have or the fulfillment inside that I couldn't find myself. For the past winter, I've been filling my void with many hook ups that I'd hope would turn into something real when in reality, it was just what it was, bad sex, maybe a couple of moans but nothing worth the curl of my toes and loud scream for...sorry. But the fact of the matter was, there was an underlying meaning behind our "hang out." It was what I saw on you that I once wore because it was a part of me. Granted, I wear bracelets from when I went to Nicaragua but it wasn't that necklace I stopped wearing because the elastic was becoming too loose and it was the ankle bracelet that I stopped wearing because the hemp strings deteriorated because I never took it off. It was then that things clicked.

Everything about my ex would slightly affect me in someway, even if I kept lying myself, it was always a small jab to the heart. But now, its no longer a stab, a jab, or even a bump....my heart is back on my sleeve, guarded like it once was but ready for the next adventure even if its not love.

Because lets admit, I'm no longer looking for sex to fill the void, I want something substantial where love is all we make but until then, a little fun doesn't hurt either now that I can let go.

My Heart, My Mind, My Libido....

Attraction is a confusing thing. History makes it complicated and trying to make sense of it all in bed at that moment only brings anxious feelings.

Time has passed since we first met our first year. I still remember our first kiss and our first "date," which was the start of what I would describe a perfect date to be. This has left an impression, a mark on me that has brought this confusion to me now.

Since our first year, I only saw you once last year. A brief moment where I held my breath to see that you had come back to Alaska. I was always hopeful that I would see you when you stayed over but not once did we meet.

Another season and here we are again, in Alaska, working through another summer. A lot has happened over the years when we first met. There seems to be hesitation in our interaction, maybe afraid to get hurt because our past has memories of tears but nonetheless, we have had the opportunity to have hung out.

I enjoyed the time spent and even though my overly analytical mind has many questions: why, what is it you see in me, what you think or what you want, or how you feel, I must let things flow.

The only thing I do know is that my my mind knows what my heart feels even though my heart is very much guarded, which tells my mind to control my libido unsuccessfully, and I do mean shamefully. Yet, if things are meant to be, it will be and what you say of us hanging out again....I can only hope that we do and the look in your eyes I saw that night, the feeling of you in my arms, and the passion from those many kisses happens again.

A lesson learned and a heartache of memories to remind me to let love, love.

"The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" Eden Ahbez

"I Never Told You" by Colbie Calliat

Lyrics:

I miss those blue eyes

How you kiss me at night

I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise

like the taste of your smile

I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you what I should have said

No, I never told you I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

and after all the things we been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

I see your blue eyes every time I close mine

You make it hard to see

Where I belong to when I'm not around you

Its like I'm not with me

But I never told you what I should have said

No, I never told you I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

and after all the things we been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

Had I already learned the lesson before him than maybe my heart wouldn't feel the words Colbie Calliat beautifully sings. Yet its not because I never said I loved you...its because I couldn't just love and let him love me back without questioning why he did.

Even now, his blue eyes staring into mine is vivid in my mind making it hard to look at anyone else's eyes. Even now, the way we laid with each other so closely and our breath in unison makes anyone else's touch a waste of a feeling. Even now, I still miss everything about him. There's no way to fill the void in my life but I still continue to live because I had to learn my lesson in pain. And sadly, I learned this lesson from his posting of quotes on his FB profile.

It only took five minutes...

I was only looking for a couch to surf on but somehow I found butterflies in my stomach from the first time I met you. I didn't know what that feeling was at first because I thought I was just nervous even though it was for no apparent reason. I know nothing about you but, somehow in the five minutes of being with you, I somehow felt something. And they say it only takes first sight for things to get started. However, its probably another fantasy I want to happen but for now I will let myself day dream away. Although, my intuition caught a glimpse of something that is there. A hint of jealousy from when a new person approached, a sound of interest of what my plans were, and continuous messages of apologies of not being able to hang out.

Maybe the attraction isn't mutual but wanting to meet again soon clearly is. Only time will tell and hopefully our travels will cross each other again to find out if its real.

A "Land" mark in my life...

It only took nine years but it was worth the wait. After all these years of wanting to meet this one guy has finally led to meet in a city that I love so much, Seattle. It happened on a quick overnight trip that I only stopped because I was hoping to meet someone else. Instead, I met someone who I've shared many memories with, gained so much confidence in myself, and felt a "love" all over the phone and the internet. Land, a guy who I've been attracted to and envisioned a meeting different than what actually happened was still surreal.

We first met on an internet site many years ago during a time where we put our high school lives behind us and was embarking on new adventures to explore our inner self. Its amazing to think how much we've grown since. Living our lives secretly, scared our family wouldn't accept the idea of being gay and, the only outlet we had was each other and the few peopole we could trust with this secret. As I rode the insecurity roller coaster ride, I found support from someone a thousand miles away through an internet connection and random phone calls. It wasn't long where an attraction formed and for the longest time distance and then soon, life, separated us.

In one direction I was ready to break from my cyclical nature of being in San Diego and moved to Boston while he left Nashville to move to Seattle. Somehow we lost touch or maybe it was time to let go to explore more of ourselves but one thing for sure, I could not forget the memories of what we shared. There would be occasional moments where even though I put my past behind me life had a way to remind me of Land.

Never did I think would I get a response when I sent the text message to him. I figured that he would ignore it after the messages I had sent over the years just to see how things were would disappear like the rest of them. So, when I heard my phone alert me that I had a message and it was from Land, did my heart begin to beat rapidly. After all these years could we actually finally meet?

Soon, past memories and conversations rustled through my mind and the closer to the time we would meet, I became more anxious. I remembered how he had said that we wouldn't meet unless he and I were both single because thats how it should be. I soon remembered his voice on the phone during our long conversations at night. I even remembered past feelings that I put aside many moons ago. But when I met him in line at the "gaybucks," the only thing that mattered was that after all these years it was finally nice to meet face to face.

The couple of hours of conversation passed by quickly and at the end, I still couldn't believe it all happened. Time had shown that there was a lot that had changed amongst ourselves and it also showed how much we still remembered about each other.

As much as I would like to keep in contact, at the end of the night as we walked away from each other, I felt if we never saw each other or talked again, an open chapter in my life at least had an ending. Not like those movies you see where you want to know what happens next leaves you feeling empty. I, finally met him after all these years and I don't know what will happen next, I, at least know the past with Land found its closure.

Stranger

I am a stranger in my own skin.  When I gave the one I truly love my heart, I didn't know I was going to lose my soul.  Recently, I remember how it was to put a smile on my face, the feelings when you begin to truly laugh and have the people around you laugh with you.  The joy the night brings when loved ones remind you how to square dance, or how a new friend brings a gift with nothing expected in return.  I realized the "little kid" that has been around was to remind me of how I once was.  He was there to remind me of my innocence, the naive mind that yearned to learn about life.  Others saw it as refreshing, I saw it as how old I've become.  

When I enjoyed the other night, I remembered who I was but the difference is, the stranger I've become I cannot walk away from.  Its a path that I've taken and though the things I felt were vulnerability, loneliness, depression, or being numb, I am stronger because of it.  I may need to rebuild my heart but along the way, I have friends who remind me the good I have in myself even when all I see is the bad.  

On that note, I will always love my ex.  I've never been so happy in my life.  I may have become a stranger because I felt like something has been lost but, it doesn't mean I haven't found joy in the life I've already lived or forgotten about it and, the life I will continue to experience.   

Numb

I am numb to the situation.  I no longer feel anything no matter how much you push and pull me a direction I and, possibly you don't even know.  

I am numb anything I used to love doing.  Nothing excites me anymore no mater how much I love the activity, you're not there to share it with me. 

I am numb to feeling anything with anyone else.  When I'm with anyone who shows any affection my way, I am thinking of you.  

I know why now...

It wasn't until recently where a few events happened and I figured out why I couldn't get over my ex so easily. Last Sunday, a couple of friends came down from LA and we sat around and hung out at a coffee house in North Park. We sat and talked about what we wanted to do with our lives. As the evening progressed, and we walked down University Ave, we began talking about the guys we had dated and how much it has affected us. One has been done and over with the relationship for a good six months, the other had the relationship just end and then there was me, its been over for awhile but I just can't get over it all. No matter what the outcome, we vented all of our frustration and at the end of the night when they finally left, I felt at ease. I felt, once again, that I was over the situation and my head was held up high. The next afternoon, my good friend and I met up for some chips and salsa and I was still feeling good. There were new adventures that I had in the mix and I felt that no matter what happens, I had a life to live. Tuesday evening happened and my ex and I had a text conversation that lasted over an hour. It was then that I knew that I quite wasn't over things and thats where the "And So It Continues..." blog came to be. But, I had a conversation with my good friend in TX and thats where my mind pieced together why I couldn't get over the situation. I mean...its okay that I still love him and still miss him but, I still need to get over it all so nothing affects me the way that it does. Anyways, I realized that this was the first time I chose a person over an adventure.

Many of my friends know that I live my life and I go where I want to go, do what I want to do and keep on trucking. Dates don't ever really happen and there has never been anyone that I have ever felt the need to slow down for until this last ex. Don't get me wrong, its not like I gave up me for him, I just tried something else and it didn't work out. Thats why I felt so down, thats why I was so vulnerable, thats why I just couldn't pick myself back up. Everything was a first and I mean everything...in all my blogs I've said, this is the first time. I moved back home only because I thought we could work things out or what not but when I finally came here, nothing came of it. To make matters worse, I had a hard time finding a job, my friends fell into their routine and I hardly saw any of them, I knew I was the black sheep of the family but this time I really felt like I shouldn't have come home, and well...the list can continue but I just couldn't find my way out and up.

I don't regret any of it, and I've said that I'd do it all over again just to have his touch once again. So if you ask, do you still miss him? Everyday. Do you still love him? Always will. If things got started up again, would you stay in San Diego even though you may have another opportunity somewhere else? .....I won't know unless it actually happens but whatever I choose ....Love happens but life continues whether that means I leave or if I stay.

And so it continues...

Just when you think you're able to move on, something always happens. Its been a battle over the course of these past months. Our conversation not too long ago was nice and I enjoyed every second but, I knew that I wasn't allowed to say "I miss you, I love you." Even though thats how I feel, it wasn't appropriate. I wasn't willing to risk not having your friendship at all or having to wait till you're comfortable talking to me again. I wasn't allowed to ask a lot of questions afraid that I'd push you away again when the only thing I want is to have you closer. In the middle of it all, I knew that you will always have my heart but I can't let myself to get down again. I updated my About Me section saying, Love happens but life continues.... And thats exactly true.

My long time friends know that I don't date-mostly not because I don't want to but, I just don't have that connection with people that becomes romantic. Its a rare thing for me and granted I've had relationships in the past, there has never been a time where I've felt so connected with a person until this last time.

I have said many moons ago that people in general live in cycles. If you look closely enough you'll know what I'm talking about...E.G. your friend who always seems to be in a bad relationship constantly looking for abuse. And I'll admit, I was in one for awhile (not a bad relationship-staying in my bubble of security)....I broke the cycle and moved away, broke another cycle and kept learning and growing as a person. But here I am back in the same cycle of allowing myself to get down, allowing myself to be affected by any actions he does. I'm only doing this because its something new that I'm learning, this is a cycle that I haven't been in before, this is a cycle that I'm going to break. It doesn't mean I won't still love him, it just means love happens but life continues...Already I have learned something, already I'm making a change, and already I see an opening.

Its a new year....I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I'll come to a crossroad again where I have to make a choice between love or my next adventure. What I do know is I am me and I must live.