As I was sitting in a cafe in Alaska with a friend I was reading an article about a protest about religion and gays. I would read a paragraph and then we would have a discussion about what we thought. She grew up as a Mormon or Latter Day Saints to be correct and I grew up in different aspects of Christianity. The article went more in depth about a 14-step program called ex-gay or Focus on the Family. Its very similar to the 12-step program geared for Alcoholic Anonymous or Cocaine Addiction or any addiction program except the extra 2-steps is because being gay needs more mental attention.
She asked what I thought and what I said then was being gay isn't a choice and I firmly believe that. If it was a choice, I know that I wouldn't have made the decision to be gay. I recall many times where I would pray to God to help me put away those desires but no matter how involved or how close my walk with God seemed, I would always notice the cute guy at church or in my Bible group. If it was a choice then I wouldn't have chose to be gay because I was scared of what or, more so what my father did when he even thought I was gay.
The article continued to show how followers or even more so leaders of the ex-gay movement were found at a gay bar hitting on the cute guy ordering a beer. It seemed to be slightly one-sided but what ex-gay man/woman married to the opposite sex would admit that he/she still desires to have a touch of the same sex?
To some extent I believe that you can put away certain desires but it still doesn't solve how you truly feel. I have lived in the closet for many years and I've denied myself as well but no matter how hard I would try, I'm still attracted to the same sex. Granted, there have only been a few select ladies that I was attracted to but when it comes down to it, how long would it be before I couldn't deny myself any longer?
When I finally came out to my family, it was not the easiest period of my life. I was alone and there weren't too many people I could turn to or more importantly, who would understand. But after many years, my family has been able to accept that I'm gay but I know they still want me to be with a woman and they pray everyday that my mind would change. I myself have been able to accept being gay and being who I am but, its not even about being gay, its about being me, my individual spirit. Its also about people around you who accept you for you.
Yet, when I came home from Alaska and after this summer, I thought maybe I should try out an ex-gay meeting. Life would be easier, or would it? Then I realized that the only reason I wanted to go is because I was still depressed about my ex and I knew that the only thing that matters is my faith in God.
When it comes down to it, God will know that I have always believed in Him even through my short comings because I am no different from a man who desires to lay with a man who believes in Him, than a man who acts on his desires with a man who believes in Him.
2 comments:
I can't believe there is such a thing. I think you are just fine the way you are, yes, "individual spirit" stay proud of who you are. that stuff is for those who are lost and haven't fully accepted what you already know.
I dont mean to pry in your personal life but I came across your blog and I just wanted to say I enjoy reading what you write...not because you feel "lost" or feel like you're struggling with your own identity but because you put so much feeling in what you write and its like a little doorway into your thoughts. I've seen a documentary on what you wrote about. I think its horrible. I think many who join it do so because they want to feel accepted. Its not easy being "outside the box" but I often find that those "inside the box" are no happier and sometimes more troubled and lost. You are what you are and it is what it is. A broken heart is a broken heart whether straight or gay and only time will mend it. I think its great that you travel and are seeing the world, something I wish I would have done before throwing myself into "adulthood" and more responsibilities than I can handle. Its easier to fit in and be accepted than to stand out and be your own person but unless you are your own person you will always be battling your own inner self and i dont think you'll ever be happy until you stop trying to be accepted by others. Remember you're not the only person who is going through what youre going through and eventually everything will turn out OK. ;) Love, your jr. high friend Rosemary
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