I had to fall completely in order to become myself again....

Depression has surrounded me for the past months and only because I let it in for so long. I lost my soul, I gave my heart, and the person holding them captive has no idea. Yet, home used to have no meaning to me. It was a place where things were familiar and comforting but never could I accept what was there the entire time. I was looking for myself. I thought I had grown and needed a new environment to become the person I truly was, and it worked. I broke my shell, I became more comfortable and during this, I became someone who never saw himself better than anyone but acted as if I was, even if it wasn't noticeable. I pushed my limits of myself but fear was always hiding, so I stayed behind a shy smile that began to wear away. I closed my ears and only heard what I wanted to see happen. For awhile, happiness seemed to be present and it was, but then I became stagnant and I didn't know how to grow any further. I thought if I went farther away from home, the further I will grow as a person. And once again, it worked for a while and I grew but then I found love, my other half in another person. And thats when I truly felt like I was on cloud 9 but it didn't last long. My past caught up with me, the little voice of insecurity with a loud sound of not being able to trust screamed to pull me away. Thats when it was time for me to fall from the sky and land hard on to a ground of gravel and rocks-not grass. Not because I didn't deserve it but because I needed to feel like I was broken completely to realize that there was still more to learn at home.

There have been few events that have been brewing inside, realizing that I didn't need rebound sex but that I needed to feel wanted. Realizing that facade I portrayed wasn't who I truly was. Tonight, I was only looking to show face but stayed to realize that somethings just doesn't matter and well....I'm learning to be back to who I was but, its different now. Its no longer a jaded smirk but a genuine smile that is comfortable. There's no longer fear of what people think of me because of who I was in the past. Its a rekindle of past friendships that were a bridge to get me over the rushing rivers. Now, its a walk back where we are all standing in a lake of closeness and love. And I'm in love with me...