An apology to the past....

To My Exes: Josh, Dave, Briar, Lance

I never knew how you felt when we were no longer together. I walked away before we got further into our relationship avoiding anymore pain that I did not want to go through. There was a reason for each of you of why I said I couldn't be with you any longer. And to me, it was valid and it was. When I talk about why I broke up to others, many realizations come to mind...maybe I really didn't love you, you gave up on me, you weren't the person you said you were, you realized what you had after I was ready to walk away, etc. etc. But now, I know how you felt. Here I am, with a broken heart-unable to walk away completely because I stand waiting for an answer that finally slapped me in the face. And I'm sure thats how you felt when I said goodbye. As years passed after we broke up, I've written an email telling you the reasons why we ended or give more an explaination but never was I in your position. As stated, I walked away to avoid anymore pain because I was unwilling and stubborn to look back. Finally, after years of staying single I found myself in a relationship where my past insecurities got the best of me and I pushed the one I love away. When he said no more, I wasn't ready to give up. For months I tortured myself hoping that he would come back because I never got an answer. And now, karma has come back to me in full force searching for a heart that no longer exists. He took it away and I've spent the last months in depression, lying to myself, and rebuilding a new heart to stand on my own once again. Tonight, it has failed and tears have ran down my face. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to give love a chance but these past few days....I smile, I motivate, and I try to meet new people to make new friends but deep inside I still feel empty, missing him....and now I understand what I've put you through. I understand why you could no longer be friends with me, I understand why you said goodbye and walked away. But I don't want to walk away, I want to continue to try....I guess he doesn't. So I can apologize for what I've done but what good is it? Years have passed and you've moved on, you've met someone new, and I no longer am on your mind. How I wish I was in your position right now.....but I'm not and its my turn to feel the pain.