Sunday, February 15, 2009


I am a stranger in my own skin.  When I gave the one I truly love my heart, I didn't know I was going to lose my soul.  Recently, I remember how it was to put a smile on my face, the feelings when you begin to truly laugh and have the people around you laugh with you.  The joy the night brings when loved ones remind you how to square dance, or how a new friend brings a gift with nothing expected in return.  I realized the "little kid" that has been around was to remind me of how I once was.  He was there to remind me of my innocence, the naive mind that yearned to learn about life.  Others saw it as refreshing, I saw it as how old I've become.  
When I enjoyed the other night, I remembered who I was but the difference is, the stranger I've become I cannot walk away from.  Its a path that I've taken and though the things I felt were vulnerability, loneliness, depression, or being numb, I am stronger because of it.  I may need to rebuild my heart but along the way, I have friends who remind me the good I have in myself even when all I see is the bad.  
On that note, I will always love my ex.  I've never been so happy in my life.  I may have become a stranger because I felt like something has been lost but, it doesn't mean I haven't found joy in the life I've already lived or forgotten about it and, the life I will continue to experience.   

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I am numb to the situation.  I no longer feel anything no matter how much you push and pull me a direction I and, possibly you don't even know.  

I am numb anything I used to love doing.  Nothing excites me anymore no mater how much I love the activity, you're not there to share it with me. 

I am numb to feeling anything with anyone else.  When I'm with anyone who shows any affection my way, I am thinking of you.  

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I know why now...

It wasn't until recently where a few events happened and I figured out why I couldn't get over my ex so easily. Last Sunday, a couple of friends came down from LA and we sat around and hung out at a coffee house in North Park. We sat and talked about what we wanted to do with our lives. As the evening progressed, and we walked down University Ave, we began talking about the guys we had dated and how much it has affected us. One has been done and over with the relationship for a good six months, the other had the relationship just end and then there was me, its been over for awhile but I just can't get over it all. No matter what the outcome, we vented all of our frustration and at the end of the night when they finally left, I felt at ease. I felt, once again, that I was over the situation and my head was held up high. The next afternoon, my good friend and I met up for some chips and salsa and I was still feeling good. There were new adventures that I had in the mix and I felt that no matter what happens, I had a life to live. Tuesday evening happened and my ex and I had a text conversation that lasted over an hour. It was then that I knew that I quite wasn't over things and thats where the "And So It Continues..." blog came to be. But, I had a conversation with my good friend in TX and thats where my mind pieced together why I couldn't get over the situation. I mean...its okay that I still love him and still miss him but, I still need to get over it all so nothing affects me the way that it does. Anyways, I realized that this was the first time I chose a person over an adventure.

Many of my friends know that I live my life and I go where I want to go, do what I want to do and keep on trucking. Dates don't ever really happen and there has never been anyone that I have ever felt the need to slow down for until this last ex. Don't get me wrong, its not like I gave up me for him, I just tried something else and it didn't work out. Thats why I felt so down, thats why I was so vulnerable, thats why I just couldn't pick myself back up. Everything was a first and I mean all my blogs I've said, this is the first time. I moved back home only because I thought we could work things out or what not but when I finally came here, nothing came of it. To make matters worse, I had a hard time finding a job, my friends fell into their routine and I hardly saw any of them, I knew I was the black sheep of the family but this time I really felt like I shouldn't have come home, and well...the list can continue but I just couldn't find my way out and up.

I don't regret any of it, and I've said that I'd do it all over again just to have his touch once again. So if you ask, do you still miss him? Everyday. Do you still love him? Always will. If things got started up again, would you stay in San Diego even though you may have another opportunity somewhere else? .....I won't know unless it actually happens but whatever I choose ....Love happens but life continues whether that means I leave or if I stay.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

And so it continues...

Just when you think you're able to move on, something always happens. Its been a battle over the course of these past months. Our conversation not too long ago was nice and I enjoyed every second but, I knew that I wasn't allowed to say "I miss you, I love you." Even though thats how I feel, it wasn't appropriate. I wasn't willing to risk not having your friendship at all or having to wait till you're comfortable talking to me again. I wasn't allowed to ask a lot of questions afraid that I'd push you away again when the only thing I want is to have you closer. In the middle of it all, I knew that you will always have my heart but I can't let myself to get down again. I updated my About Me section saying, Love happens but life continues.... And thats exactly true.

My long time friends know that I don't date-mostly not because I don't want to but, I just don't have that connection with people that becomes romantic. Its a rare thing for me and granted I've had relationships in the past, there has never been a time where I've felt so connected with a person until this last time.

I have said many moons ago that people in general live in cycles. If you look closely enough you'll know what I'm talking about...E.G. your friend who always seems to be in a bad relationship constantly looking for abuse. And I'll admit, I was in one for awhile (not a bad relationship-staying in my bubble of security)....I broke the cycle and moved away, broke another cycle and kept learning and growing as a person. But here I am back in the same cycle of allowing myself to get down, allowing myself to be affected by any actions he does. I'm only doing this because its something new that I'm learning, this is a cycle that I haven't been in before, this is a cycle that I'm going to break. It doesn't mean I won't still love him, it just means love happens but life continues...Already I have learned something, already I'm making a change, and already I see an opening.

Its a new year....I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I'll come to a crossroad again where I have to make a choice between love or my next adventure. What I do know is I am me and I must live.