Sunday, December 28, 2008

"A Friend"

It all started weeks ago when you decided to make a comment on one of my blogs. At first I thought it was some Anonymous person I've never met. But then you reached deeper and made a comment about my past, made a comment about love, made an observation I've never seen in myself which made me believe that we know each other in some way. Riddles you threw and answers I gave back. When asked to reveal who you were, you remained a mystery saying not knowing is easier than being involved. Though dissatisfied with your answer, I was happy to read your random comments, until now. I was on vacation for two weeks and came back to find that you left a comment where you wanted to fade away. Not giving much thought I left a response and tried to get back in the swing of my life. It wasn't until recently where I started to think about what you wrote and my mind began to start running in random thoughts. I didn't want you to disappear, I liked reading your insights even if you were a mystery but I didn't understand how you would fade away if I'm not even sure who you are. It wasn't until today, right at this moment, where I googled who Alexi Murdoch was and what Wait was all about. I've added the lyrics:

Alexi Murdoch - Wait
Feel I'm on the verge of some great thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And its cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move ahead
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfectly still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon
And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you
So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

And wait for me
And wait for me
And wait for me
Won't you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won't you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won't you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won't you wait for me
And wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won't you wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Please wait for me
Won't you wait for me
I've never heard this song before and listening to it again I felt peace. I only have my guesses of who you could be, and I only hope that if it is the person I am thinking of, then you'll know I'll wait...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Please nourish the thirsty

Its raining outside and I'm enjoying every drop that falls from the sky. Most people find it depressing but I see it as nurturing. The plants have had a long summer of heat and dry air. They are thirsty and need to be replenished just as humans do when we reach for a glass of water. But, I understand those who hate the rain when everyday seems to be gray and wet. Like the people of Seattle who find a ray of sun to be refreshing with day after day of mist that surrounds the atmosphere. I'll admit, after spending a summer in Alaska where it seemed to rain most of the time, there were times where the sun could have put a smile on my face. And thats an odd thing because I've never been weather affected but it caught me this time.

I love the sound rain makes when it finally reaches its destination. Its like music nature makes and I love the natural sounds that mother earth produces. No song, no producer, no artist can ever achieve beautiful sounds waves when society is quiet and all that is left is all things non-human touched.

"A friend" has described me to be like rain...I've never thought of myself as rain but it enlightened my eyes to be described something differently than what my ears normally hear. A metaphor, an observation that I thought, wow....someone was really paying attention in an artistic light. But the mystery of secrecy lies with this friend and I with my back against the wall holding my drink in hand, waiting till the rain that I seem to be is embraced openly out loud.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

An apology to the past....

To My Exes: Josh, Dave, Briar, Lance

I never knew how you felt when we were no longer together. I walked away before we got further into our relationship avoiding anymore pain that I did not want to go through. There was a reason for each of you of why I said I couldn't be with you any longer. And to me, it was valid and it was. When I talk about why I broke up to others, many realizations come to mind...maybe I really didn't love you, you gave up on me, you weren't the person you said you were, you realized what you had after I was ready to walk away, etc. etc. But now, I know how you felt. Here I am, with a broken heart-unable to walk away completely because I stand waiting for an answer that finally slapped me in the face. And I'm sure thats how you felt when I said goodbye. As years passed after we broke up, I've written an email telling you the reasons why we ended or give more an explaination but never was I in your position. As stated, I walked away to avoid anymore pain because I was unwilling and stubborn to look back. Finally, after years of staying single I found myself in a relationship where my past insecurities got the best of me and I pushed the one I love away. When he said no more, I wasn't ready to give up. For months I tortured myself hoping that he would come back because I never got an answer. And now, karma has come back to me in full force searching for a heart that no longer exists. He took it away and I've spent the last months in depression, lying to myself, and rebuilding a new heart to stand on my own once again. Tonight, it has failed and tears have ran down my face. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to give love a chance but these past few days....I smile, I motivate, and I try to meet new people to make new friends but deep inside I still feel empty, missing him....and now I understand what I've put you through. I understand why you could no longer be friends with me, I understand why you said goodbye and walked away. But I don't want to walk away, I want to continue to try....I guess he doesn't. So I can apologize for what I've done but what good is it? Years have passed and you've moved on, you've met someone new, and I no longer am on your mind. How I wish I was in your position right now.....but I'm not and its my turn to feel the pain.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Proposition 8

Vote YES to keep the traditional family.
Vote NO for equality.

Naturally, my first instinct is to vote NO. Of course, I would want the option to marry the person of my dreams and if that happens to be of the same sex then I want the opportunity to do so. But, something happened. As some of you may know, I've held off on having any sexual encounters with anyone, avoiding the whole rebound sex. But, that didn't stop me from browsing the personal ads on craigslist. And yea, I'll admit that I even emailed guys to meet up with them. But, I didn't get many responses and in fact none that actually wanted to meet up-well except for one who was the guy that pointed out that I needed to feel wanted and didn't need rebound sex. Kudos to him for being so understanding. Anyways, I went to Vegas this past weekend and once again I perused the ads and well, no one really responded. But that's not the point, the point of the matter was....there were so many guys looking for orgies, random kink play, etc, etc. It was sickening and I started to yes to save the families. I dunno but it grossed me out so much. I hate the fact that gay scene was so promiscuous...where was the monogamy? Yet, it wouldn't' matter because then in those ads you saw "str8/married" guys who wanted a gay encounter and it didn't matter if the person was married, they were having an affair.

My family as you know is very Christian and of course they want me to vote yes on 8. But, what difference would a marriage make if a man was married to a woman who then snuck around to have sex with another person, let a lone a man? So there I stood....back to where I was before, voting NO. I don't condone messing around with anyone else while in a relationship but how can so many people say YES to Prop 8 to save families, to preserve a marriage of a man and a woman if affairs happen, let alone happen with the same sex? If anything, we should be focusing on keeping relationships with each other, unless of course its an open relationship but that's a whole another

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

When being wanted phase is over

What happens when I'm no longer wanted during this time where I think I don't need rebound sex? Will I then sleep with the first person who gives me any attention? Or will I be over it completeley?

His face is beginning to become clear...

They say that when your first in love, you can't picture that person's face.

Even though we haven't been together for awhile, I still couldn't remember your face. My memores are of the feelings and happines but not of what my eyes remembered unless it was a look you gave me when I knew you loved me too. But now, his face is becoming clearer in my mind. I must be getting over him even if I still love him.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I had to fall completely in order to become myself again....

Depression has surrounded me for the past months and only because I let it in for so long. I lost my soul, I gave my heart, and the person holding them captive has no idea. Yet, home used to have no meaning to me. It was a place where things were familiar and comforting but never could I accept what was there the entire time. I was looking for myself. I thought I had grown and needed a new environment to become the person I truly was, and it worked. I broke my shell, I became more comfortable and during this, I became someone who never saw himself better than anyone but acted as if I was, even if it wasn't noticeable. I pushed my limits of myself but fear was always hiding, so I stayed behind a shy smile that began to wear away. I closed my ears and only heard what I wanted to see happen. For awhile, happiness seemed to be present and it was, but then I became stagnant and I didn't know how to grow any further. I thought if I went farther away from home, the further I will grow as a person. And once again, it worked for a while and I grew but then I found love, my other half in another person. And thats when I truly felt like I was on cloud 9 but it didn't last long. My past caught up with me, the little voice of insecurity with a loud sound of not being able to trust screamed to pull me away. Thats when it was time for me to fall from the sky and land hard on to a ground of gravel and rocks-not grass. Not because I didn't deserve it but because I needed to feel like I was broken completely to realize that there was still more to learn at home.

There have been few events that have been brewing inside, realizing that I didn't need rebound sex but that I needed to feel wanted. Realizing that facade I portrayed wasn't who I truly was. Tonight, I was only looking to show face but stayed to realize that somethings just doesn't matter and well....I'm learning to be back to who I was but, its different now. Its no longer a jaded smirk but a genuine smile that is comfortable. There's no longer fear of what people think of me because of who I was in the past. Its a rekindle of past friendships that were a bridge to get me over the rushing rivers. Now, its a walk back where we are all standing in a lake of closeness and love. And I'm in love with me...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Paid a Price

wrote most of it months ago, seemed appropriate now...

paid a price...falling in love with you
finding myself drinking myself to sleep
filling the void of loneliness
no one to blame but myself
why do i run to you and fight myself along the way?

paid a price....sniffing that cocaine
thought i could forget and feel good
instead I fall down a cliff of emotional pain
and can't swim in a pool of blood
why do i breathe in the past smells of your cologne?

paid a price of...drinking tonight
i thought i could party all night long
but i drank myself in a lake of tears
missing the sounds of your voice and the touch of your words
how do i climb to find sun again?

paid a price...of thinking too much
a dream that only myself is in
dying in fantasies of what will never be
acted out and pushed you away
where do i go to find peace?

paid a price...of loving you
i've lost who i was and feel empty
now my soul and heart has run away
and you will always have it in your hands
I guess life will never be the same...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I never needed rebound sex...

After a relationship, I have been a friend who has said "Go and have rebound sex..." And lets admit, it can be fun if you just let go and relax. But depending on the type of person you are, you either feel like your on top of the world or you just feel more depressed.

I have avoided having rebound sex for fear that my ex would not want to be back with me, or that it would hurt any chance of getting back together. But something happened today that made me realize that I didn't need rebound sex, I just wanted to feel like I was wanted. Thats all it is, feeling wanted, adored, sexy, attractive. Sex is just a bonus if you can reach orgasm but if the sex isn't good, well then, you're more disappointed than anything and lets admit, we've all had sex that wasn't that great... We also know that even if the person isn't the greatest in bed, love still feels a whole lot better than just sex with a random person. But any horn dog would say that sex is great either way. I dunno about you but call me a girl in which feelings are more important to me than a one-nighter unless of course it was just really f*in good! HAHA but thats

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Ex-Gay Movement

As I was sitting in a cafe in Alaska with a friend I was reading an article about a protest about religion and gays. I would read a paragraph and then we would have a discussion about what we thought. She grew up as a Mormon or Latter Day Saints to be correct and I grew up in different aspects of Christianity. The article went more in depth about a 14-step program called ex-gay or Focus on the Family. Its very similar to the 12-step program geared for Alcoholic Anonymous or Cocaine Addiction or any addiction program except the extra 2-steps is because being gay needs more mental attention.

She asked what I thought and what I said then was being gay isn't a choice and I firmly believe that. If it was a choice, I know that I wouldn't have made the decision to be gay. I recall many times where I would pray to God to help me put away those desires but no matter how involved or how close my walk with God seemed, I would always notice the cute guy at church or in my Bible group. If it was a choice then I wouldn't have chose to be gay because I was scared of what or, more so what my father did when he even thought I was gay.

The article continued to show how followers or even more so leaders of the ex-gay movement were found at a gay bar hitting on the cute guy ordering a beer. It seemed to be slightly one-sided but what ex-gay man/woman married to the opposite sex would admit that he/she still desires to have a touch of the same sex?

To some extent I believe that you can put away certain desires but it still doesn't solve how you truly feel. I have lived in the closet for many years and I've denied myself as well but no matter how hard I would try, I'm still attracted to the same sex. Granted, there have only been a few select ladies that I was attracted to but when it comes down to it, how long would it be before I couldn't deny myself any longer?

When I finally came out to my family, it was not the easiest period of my life. I was alone and there weren't too many people I could turn to or more importantly, who would understand. But after many years, my family has been able to accept that I'm gay but I know they still want me to be with a woman and they pray everyday that my mind would change. I myself have been able to accept being gay and being who I am but, its not even about being gay, its about being me, my individual spirit. Its also about people around you who accept you for you.

Yet, when I came home from Alaska and after this summer, I thought maybe I should try out an ex-gay meeting. Life would be easier, or would it? Then I realized that the only reason I wanted to go is because I was still depressed about my ex and I knew that the only thing that matters is my faith in God.

When it comes down to it, God will know that I have always believed in Him even through my short comings because I am no different from a man who desires to lay with a man who believes in Him, than a man who acts on his desires with a man who believes in Him.

Monday, September 29, 2008

A different take of University Avenue...

After a discussion with a good friend of mine, I decided to take a walk down a street I've walked many times before. When I was younger, I used to walk down looking to get noticed by others or sometimes walking to check out those walking by. As I got older, I found myself walking drunkenly down to my car after dancing the night away or more recently from one of my favorite wine places. This time though, I walked as if I never walked University Ave before. It has been awhile but things seemed different to me even though nothing has changed. I had a lot to think about, mostly trying to figure out when, how and why I lost myself. And I really haven't lost myself but as I'm trying to come out of a depressed state, I feel like I don't know who I am or where I'm going. Granted, it seems like my "re-entry" into civilization is a lot better this year than last year, just maybe I am still struggling to "fit" back in. I can't answer what I'm going to do next but why does it have to center around a career? Careers don't work for people who have a travelling lifestyle.

I have always lived my life where I enjoyed the simple things and embraced the difficult situations to learn from but never have I been in a situation where complete happiness was felt and then pushed away by my own mistake. Simply put, I finally felt life with love and now I feel like my other half has gone and I don't know how to live life anymore. And, apart of my life is the feeling of spontaneity and now it seems like I have to do that alone when right now I need my friends to embark on a crazy adventure with me at the snap of the fingers instead of figuring out when its a best time. The adventure doesn't have to be far, just something un-planned.

I want to fix something but I don't know how and I hate that I can't because I've always been able to put a band aid on. I have to re-learn what face value is because somehow I was spoiled by knowing what the outcome would be. And even though I'm in a place where the sun is shining and its hot outside, inside I still feel like its gray and the rain is pouring down on me. Yet I can't complain because I am still blessed and surrounded by good fortune.

Once again, I will be able to continue on and not care that my adventures are by myself because I know I am not alone but until then, the only thing I can do is re-learn to smile.