Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Proposition 8

Vote YES to keep the traditional family.
Vote NO for equality.

Naturally, my first instinct is to vote NO. Of course, I would want the option to marry the person of my dreams and if that happens to be of the same sex then I want the opportunity to do so. But, something happened. As some of you may know, I've held off on having any sexual encounters with anyone, avoiding the whole rebound sex. But, that didn't stop me from browsing the personal ads on craigslist. And yea, I'll admit that I even emailed guys to meet up with them. But, I didn't get many responses and in fact none that actually wanted to meet up-well except for one who was the guy that pointed out that I needed to feel wanted and didn't need rebound sex. Kudos to him for being so understanding. Anyways, I went to Vegas this past weekend and once again I perused the ads and well, no one really responded. But that's not the point, the point of the matter was....there were so many guys looking for orgies, random kink play, etc, etc. It was sickening and I started to think...vote yes to save the families. I dunno but it grossed me out so much. I hate the fact that gay scene was so promiscuous...where was the monogamy? Yet, it wouldn't' matter because then in those ads you saw "str8/married" guys who wanted a gay encounter and it didn't matter if the person was married, they were having an affair.

My family as you know is very Christian and of course they want me to vote yes on 8. But, what difference would a marriage make if a man was married to a woman who then snuck around to have sex with another person, let a lone a man? So there I stood....back to where I was before, voting NO. I don't condone messing around with anyone else while in a relationship but how can so many people say YES to Prop 8 to save families, to preserve a marriage of a man and a woman if affairs happen, let alone happen with the same sex? If anything, we should be focusing on keeping relationships with each other, unless of course its an open relationship but that's a whole another subject....lol

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

When being wanted phase is over

What happens when I'm no longer wanted during this time where I think I don't need rebound sex? Will I then sleep with the first person who gives me any attention? Or will I be over it completeley?

His face is beginning to become clear...

They say that when your first in love, you can't picture that person's face.

Even though we haven't been together for awhile, I still couldn't remember your face. My memores are of the feelings and happines but not of what my eyes remembered unless it was a look you gave me when I knew you loved me too. But now, his face is becoming clearer in my mind. I must be getting over him even if I still love him.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I had to fall completely in order to become myself again....

Depression has surrounded me for the past months and only because I let it in for so long. I lost my soul, I gave my heart, and the person holding them captive has no idea. Yet, home used to have no meaning to me. It was a place where things were familiar and comforting but never could I accept what was there the entire time. I was looking for myself. I thought I had grown and needed a new environment to become the person I truly was, and it worked. I broke my shell, I became more comfortable and during this, I became someone who never saw himself better than anyone but acted as if I was, even if it wasn't noticeable. I pushed my limits of myself but fear was always hiding, so I stayed behind a shy smile that began to wear away. I closed my ears and only heard what I wanted to see happen. For awhile, happiness seemed to be present and it was, but then I became stagnant and I didn't know how to grow any further. I thought if I went farther away from home, the further I will grow as a person. And once again, it worked for a while and I grew but then I found love, my other half in another person. And thats when I truly felt like I was on cloud 9 but it didn't last long. My past caught up with me, the little voice of insecurity with a loud sound of not being able to trust screamed to pull me away. Thats when it was time for me to fall from the sky and land hard on to a ground of gravel and rocks-not grass. Not because I didn't deserve it but because I needed to feel like I was broken completely to realize that there was still more to learn at home.

There have been few events that have been brewing inside, realizing that I didn't need rebound sex but that I needed to feel wanted. Realizing that facade I portrayed wasn't who I truly was. Tonight, I was only looking to show face but stayed to realize that somethings just doesn't matter and well....I'm learning to be back to who I was but, its different now. Its no longer a jaded smirk but a genuine smile that is comfortable. There's no longer fear of what people think of me because of who I was in the past. Its a rekindle of past friendships that were a bridge to get me over the rushing rivers. Now, its a walk back where we are all standing in a lake of closeness and love. And I'm in love with me...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Paid a Price

wrote most of it months ago, seemed appropriate now...

paid a price...falling in love with you
finding myself drinking myself to sleep
filling the void of loneliness
no one to blame but myself
why do i run to you and fight myself along the way?

paid a price....sniffing that cocaine
thought i could forget and feel good
instead I fall down a cliff of emotional pain
and can't swim in a pool of blood
why do i breathe in the past smells of your cologne?

paid a price of...drinking tonight
i thought i could party all night long
but i drank myself in a lake of tears
missing the sounds of your voice and the touch of your words
how do i climb to find sun again?

paid a price...of thinking too much
a dream that only myself is in
dying in fantasies of what will never be
acted out and pushed you away
where do i go to find peace?

paid a price...of loving you
i've lost who i was and feel empty
now my soul and heart has run away
and you will always have it in your hands
I guess life will never be the same...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I never needed rebound sex...

After a relationship, I have been a friend who has said "Go and have rebound sex..." And lets admit, it can be fun if you just let go and relax. But depending on the type of person you are, you either feel like your on top of the world or you just feel more depressed.

I have avoided having rebound sex for fear that my ex would not want to be back with me, or that it would hurt any chance of getting back together. But something happened today that made me realize that I didn't need rebound sex, I just wanted to feel like I was wanted. Thats all it is, feeling wanted, adored, sexy, attractive. Sex is just a bonus if you can reach orgasm but if the sex isn't good, well then, you're more disappointed than anything and lets admit, we've all had sex that wasn't that great... We also know that even if the person isn't the greatest in bed, love still feels a whole lot better than just sex with a random person. But any horn dog would say that sex is great either way. I dunno about you but call me a girl in which feelings are more important to me than a one-nighter unless of course it was just really f*in good! HAHA but thats rare...lol