Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Please nourish the thirsty

Its raining outside and I'm enjoying every drop that falls from the sky. Most people find it depressing but I see it as nurturing. The plants have had a long summer of heat and dry air. They are thirsty and need to be replenished just as humans do when we reach for a glass of water. But, I understand those who hate the rain when everyday seems to be gray and wet. Like the people of Seattle who find a ray of sun to be refreshing with day after day of mist that surrounds the atmosphere. I'll admit, after spending a summer in Alaska where it seemed to rain most of the time, there were times where the sun could have put a smile on my face. And thats an odd thing because I've never been weather affected but it caught me this time.

I love the sound rain makes when it finally reaches its destination. Its like music nature makes and I love the natural sounds that mother earth produces. No song, no producer, no artist can ever achieve beautiful sounds waves when society is quiet and all that is left is all things non-human touched.

"A friend" has described me to be like rain...I've never thought of myself as rain but it enlightened my eyes to be described something differently than what my ears normally hear. A metaphor, an observation that I thought, wow....someone was really paying attention in an artistic light. But the mystery of secrecy lies with this friend and I with my back against the wall holding my drink in hand, waiting till the rain that I seem to be is embraced openly out loud.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

An apology to the past....

To My Exes: Josh, Dave, Briar, Lance

I never knew how you felt when we were no longer together. I walked away before we got further into our relationship avoiding anymore pain that I did not want to go through. There was a reason for each of you of why I said I couldn't be with you any longer. And to me, it was valid and it was. When I talk about why I broke up to others, many realizations come to mind...maybe I really didn't love you, you gave up on me, you weren't the person you said you were, you realized what you had after I was ready to walk away, etc. etc. But now, I know how you felt. Here I am, with a broken heart-unable to walk away completely because I stand waiting for an answer that finally slapped me in the face. And I'm sure thats how you felt when I said goodbye. As years passed after we broke up, I've written an email telling you the reasons why we ended or give more an explaination but never was I in your position. As stated, I walked away to avoid anymore pain because I was unwilling and stubborn to look back. Finally, after years of staying single I found myself in a relationship where my past insecurities got the best of me and I pushed the one I love away. When he said no more, I wasn't ready to give up. For months I tortured myself hoping that he would come back because I never got an answer. And now, karma has come back to me in full force searching for a heart that no longer exists. He took it away and I've spent the last months in depression, lying to myself, and rebuilding a new heart to stand on my own once again. Tonight, it has failed and tears have ran down my face. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to give love a chance but these past few days....I smile, I motivate, and I try to meet new people to make new friends but deep inside I still feel empty, missing him....and now I understand what I've put you through. I understand why you could no longer be friends with me, I understand why you said goodbye and walked away. But I don't want to walk away, I want to continue to try....I guess he doesn't. So I can apologize for what I've done but what good is it? Years have passed and you've moved on, you've met someone new, and I no longer am on your mind. How I wish I was in your position right now.....but I'm not and its my turn to feel the pain.