Thursday, January 8, 2009

And so it continues...

Just when you think you're able to move on, something always happens. Its been a battle over the course of these past months. Our conversation not too long ago was nice and I enjoyed every second but, I knew that I wasn't allowed to say "I miss you, I love you." Even though thats how I feel, it wasn't appropriate. I wasn't willing to risk not having your friendship at all or having to wait till you're comfortable talking to me again. I wasn't allowed to ask a lot of questions afraid that I'd push you away again when the only thing I want is to have you closer. In the middle of it all, I knew that you will always have my heart but I can't let myself to get down again. I updated my About Me section saying, Love happens but life continues.... And thats exactly true.

My long time friends know that I don't date-mostly not because I don't want to but, I just don't have that connection with people that becomes romantic. Its a rare thing for me and granted I've had relationships in the past, there has never been a time where I've felt so connected with a person until this last time.

I have said many moons ago that people in general live in cycles. If you look closely enough you'll know what I'm talking about...E.G. your friend who always seems to be in a bad relationship constantly looking for abuse. And I'll admit, I was in one for awhile (not a bad relationship-staying in my bubble of security)....I broke the cycle and moved away, broke another cycle and kept learning and growing as a person. But here I am back in the same cycle of allowing myself to get down, allowing myself to be affected by any actions he does. I'm only doing this because its something new that I'm learning, this is a cycle that I haven't been in before, this is a cycle that I'm going to break. It doesn't mean I won't still love him, it just means love happens but life continues...Already I have learned something, already I'm making a change, and already I see an opening.

Its a new year....I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I'll come to a crossroad again where I have to make a choice between love or my next adventure. What I do know is I am me and I must live.

No comments: