After a discussion with a good friend of mine, I decided to take a walk down a street I've walked many times before. When I was younger, I used to walk down looking to get noticed by others or sometimes walking to check out those walking by. As I got older, I found myself walking drunkenly down to my car after dancing the night away or more recently from one of my favorite wine places. This time though, I walked as if I never walked University Ave before. It has been awhile but things seemed different to me even though nothing has changed. I had a lot to think about, mostly trying to figure out when, how and why I lost myself. And I really haven't lost myself but as I'm trying to come out of a depressed state, I feel like I don't know who I am or where I'm going. Granted, it seems like my "re-entry" into civilization is a lot better this year than last year, just maybe I am still struggling to "fit" back in. I can't answer what I'm going to do next but why does it have to center around a career? Careers don't work for people who have a travelling lifestyle.
I have always lived my life where I enjoyed the simple things and embraced the difficult situations to learn from but never have I been in a situation where complete happiness was felt and then pushed away by my own mistake. Simply put, I finally felt life with love and now I feel like my other half has gone and I don't know how to live life anymore. And, apart of my life is the feeling of spontaneity and now it seems like I have to do that alone when right now I need my friends to embark on a crazy adventure with me at the snap of the fingers instead of figuring out when its a best time. The adventure doesn't have to be far, just something un-planned.
I want to fix something but I don't know how and I hate that I can't because I've always been able to put a band aid on. I have to re-learn what face value is because somehow I was spoiled by knowing what the outcome would be. And even though I'm in a place where the sun is shining and its hot outside, inside I still feel like its gray and the rain is pouring down on me. Yet I can't complain because I am still blessed and surrounded by good fortune.
Once again, I will be able to continue on and not care that my adventures are by myself because I know I am not alone but until then, the only thing I can do is re-learn to smile.