Saturday, November 8, 2008

An apology to the past....

To My Exes: Josh, Dave, Briar, Lance

I never knew how you felt when we were no longer together. I walked away before we got further into our relationship avoiding anymore pain that I did not want to go through. There was a reason for each of you of why I said I couldn't be with you any longer. And to me, it was valid and it was. When I talk about why I broke up to others, many realizations come to mind...maybe I really didn't love you, you gave up on me, you weren't the person you said you were, you realized what you had after I was ready to walk away, etc. etc. But now, I know how you felt. Here I am, with a broken heart-unable to walk away completely because I stand waiting for an answer that finally slapped me in the face. And I'm sure thats how you felt when I said goodbye. As years passed after we broke up, I've written an email telling you the reasons why we ended or give more an explaination but never was I in your position. As stated, I walked away to avoid anymore pain because I was unwilling and stubborn to look back. Finally, after years of staying single I found myself in a relationship where my past insecurities got the best of me and I pushed the one I love away. When he said no more, I wasn't ready to give up. For months I tortured myself hoping that he would come back because I never got an answer. And now, karma has come back to me in full force searching for a heart that no longer exists. He took it away and I've spent the last months in depression, lying to myself, and rebuilding a new heart to stand on my own once again. Tonight, it has failed and tears have ran down my face. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to give love a chance but these past few days....I smile, I motivate, and I try to meet new people to make new friends but deep inside I still feel empty, missing him....and now I understand what I've put you through. I understand why you could no longer be friends with me, I understand why you said goodbye and walked away. But I don't want to walk away, I want to continue to try....I guess he doesn't. So I can apologize for what I've done but what good is it? Years have passed and you've moved on, you've met someone new, and I no longer am on your mind. How I wish I was in your position right now.....but I'm not and its my turn to feel the pain.


Anonymous said...

Love, sometimes it's soft and steady like rain but sometimes it's harsh and inconstant also like rain.

I'm scared of love, I'm scared that I'll end up alone and that I'll never meet someone who thinks I am worth all the bad and good moments that define someone. But after all my insecurities pass before my eyes and melt to the floor I realize that love despite it's oddness happens for everyone.

Love is everywhere.

Maybe you end up with someone from your pass maybe you'll met someone from your future however it happens it will happen. you'll meet someone who will see your insecurities and will look pass them, like worn puzzle pieces you'll fit together despite how time has weathered your edges are, and everything else will be okay.

-A Friend

Evolve said...

Hello friend. I thank you for your insight, your awareness of insecurities that either help or hurt a reltionship with others. Being scared of love, being scared of being alone is natural-we yearn for human touch, we want to feel needed, we live for love even if we ignore it sometimes.

Thank you for your comments and as you continue your life's journey...I'm glad you know that love is everywhere.

Anonymous said...

When I think of you I think of Rain
Sometimes you’re harsh and swift
Sometimes you’re soft and gentle
When I think of you I realize
How much I love you
Then I realize that you’re like Rain
And like Rain you come and go
But I still realize how much I love you

Evolve said...

Rain seems to come at odd times. Sometimes its needed and wanted, and sometimes it just shows up unexpectedly. Rain can be depressing and you want it to go away or, rain can be fulfilling and you enjoy the life it brings to the earth. But its up to the person who protects themselves from it or sits from a far with a warm beverage and embraces it.